The Fartblossum

The fartblossom (Flatulus malodorus) is an aquatic or ground plant whose leaves float atop the water or protrude from the ground and whose stem and roots extend vertically below the surface. It uses a hybrid type of photosynthesis that converts CO2 to hydrogen sulfide, although other byproducts are released, presenting as a bouquet of flatus variations as perceived by Cranial Nerve I (Olfactory Nerve). Many descriptions have been proffered to describe its perfume, e.g., "dead rat," "pus ball," "burned mucus retention clots" (i.e., burned boogers), and Lazarus just before being raised from the dead (John 11:38-40).

Its bloom, which is typically VERY SUDDEN, is accompanied by the plant tilting to one side or the other and a sound much like a thunderburst. Some botanists have claimed to have observed a "silent but deadly" variation of its bloom, with either no sound at all or accompanied by a sound much like the scratching sound of a Geiger counter. But they died. Further research into this phenomenon is currently underway with prisoner volunteers, usually sex offenders.

The slightest contact with it will provoke the paroxysmal bloom and its exudate is difficult to remove when it is aerosolized into the air and lands on hair, skin, clothing, etc. Seeds are very prolific in the spontaneous generation of buds soon thereafter and are often thrown onto others' properties during neighborhood disagreements. Others plant them as a strategy to keep dogs from moving their bowels on their property, relying on the wind to mitigate this questionable trade-off.

The fartblossom is the national flower of Hell. It is also the real reason Vincent van Gogh took his life, while doing his unfinished still life, "Plant Indisposed." (He should have cut off his nose, instead, like Tycho Brahe, who fell into a nest Flatuli malodori in a tragic misstep.)