Disconnected

I feel insecure in how I exist overall. Like at some point, my puzzle pieces fit right but then one day I undid it, and I haven't been able to put it back together since. Every step feels like a decision, and like I've made the wrong one each time.

Ideally, I could have two left feet and go in every direction at once. I could stay and go at the same time. I could be myself and entirely not at the same time.

When I'm with my dog I feel right. When I'm in dance class I feel right.

I feel wrong when I'm at work. I should be working towards something impactful, and I don't.

I feel wrong when I'm with friends, not always but a lot. I don't feel like I'm there. I'm a vessel to listen and react. My personhood doesn't matter there.

I feel wrong at home because it isn't my home. I can't be.

Maybe, I'm not disorganized internally, maybe I am disconnected from me because there is little avenue for my personhood to come out and explore. I keep waiting for someone to ask me something to make me. Like an invitation? How strange.

Forgive the rambling. This was truly an internal exercise and I thank you for the space.