Holding on?

Matters not to anyone but me. I expect no congrats for doing what I should have always done to begin with. But on a personal level I am proud of myself. Not that today marks 9 years clean 100% from a needle and drug addiction that claimed most of my life. My family. Years of my freedom. My mental health. My friendships and eventually led to my son's addiction and death. But that from my weakest moment in life. Alone in my corner. Eroded by drugs to the point I didn't remember who i really was anymore. From there, I picked a fight. I knew that i had everything i needed inside me to change it all if i could only find it

today i claim 9 years of victory. It's a pyrrhic victory. But a victory nonetheless. I've held on to life since birth I think. Somehow I feel selfish for it since I caused so much wake in my life. Now .. it's harder to hold on. It's hard to not be at the very least who I was last year but I'm not him anymore and I know it. I have no friends. I do imagine that's my fault also even if I'm not aware of how. Before i think I was too. . Me? Im not (me) anymore. I wish I had done so much differently. I've often caught myself saying that I want to go home. Now I have a family I've never had. But I'm aware always that it's borrowed. Should something happen to me and my wife my new family would sit on the other bleachers. I always wanted to believe that when I got clean I could change everything. I could steer my family in the right way. Work and have things. Become a friend. A Co worker. A fellow human that has been there and could go back in there to lead ppl out that can't find the way. I have no choice but to acknowledge that I failed as usual. I make no excuses for who I was or who I am. I realize that no matter what the weights made up of its still heavy. I've always meant well and wished for the ppl I loved to have better lives. Even those in my past. I've not been able to want bad to happen to ppl. I hope ppl can pardon me for who I was considering I'm no longer that person nor recognize him. And I hope those I've wronged can also. I'm not sure I deserve the laughs or smiles I catch myself giving. Always catch myself. Since they found my son dead almost 10 months ago now, I feel ashamed of these 9 years clean. I feel as if I've cheated death by quitting drugs. If I hadn't stopped i may have had a year or 2. But I feel as tho I'm in a final destination movie and I am past my exp. Date and I was never meant to see what I've seen these past 10 months, which wouldn't be proper if I left out my brother blew his brains out 2 months ago now and for reasons I may have fought you over had it not been proven at moment of hearing it. I'm mental. I know it. I feel it somehow but I just can't seem to focus on it. I assume it's OK. Que Sera, Sera I have more urge. Not any urge specific. Just no urge. Where I'm at mentally I don't know. But I hope peace finds me no matter where I am.