If my life was a movie (TW Ed)

If my life was a movie, I reckon, no I know that there would be points of no return. Where the audience would groan as I went somewhere or said something that would lead to some much bigger problem. Like in a bad horror movie where the idiotic lead goes through the door, or outside only to find the monster lurking round the corner.

Problem is that life isn’t a movie, it's real, and there are plenty of times sprinkled throughout where a decision made sets into motion a whole plethora of events that you could have never imagined. Looking back is pointless all you can do is hope for a better tomorrow.

Like one morning, middle of lockdown, just sitting at the kitchen table reading through some book for English when I thought, 'who needs breakfast?'

It's funny, I remember in PE we did a topic on eating disorders, it was only short, barely scratching the surface, one of my friends said she found it triggering. I personally found it stupid, I couldn’t fathom not eating, not then.

I don't completely remember the first days of it, I remember drinking a glass of milk instead of cereal, chowing down on lunch as though my life depended on it, in a way it did. I'd go on bike rides with my dad, fun at first then a necessity, a goal to be met each and every day. Then the scale came. At first, I didn’t care, I'd glance at it, more concerned with how my body looked, not its weight. Then I did care.

That's how it all begins, a thought a whim. Suddenly food becomes terrifying, and exercise is the only release from a world of torture, brain spiralling, always thinking, judging not just yourself but others to, you feel evil and ugly and unworthy. All from that first thought.

If my life was a movie, I think I'd replay that PE lesson and laugh a my naivety, though I'd probably skip the rest, much of it isn’t worth reliving....