The Apartment
By Shaivi Gupta
Please comment if you read
Four friends, JOHN, ROSE, ALEX, and DAPHNE, are sitting in JOHN’s apartment in New York City. They are all 15 years old. JOHN is a laid back teenager dating ROSE, a brilliant perfectionist. DAPHNE is rather stupid but nice, and ALEX is always trying to find a way to make a quick buck. They all get in rather stupid scenarios but have fun along the way.
ROSE: So, JOHN, I have a tea party thing and I need a date. It’s on Saturday.
JOHN: Why do I have to go?
DAPHNE: Because you are her boyfriend. This is one of those things you signed up for with the verbal contract.
ROSE: Thank you, Daphne. You really keep this relationship together
DAPHNE: I am the cream cheese
Laugh track
JOHN: Excuse me?
DAPHNE: You know, you, JOHN, are the bottom of the bagel, Rose is the top of the bagel, and I am the cream cheese that holds your relationship together.
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ALEX: Where do I fall into this scenario?
DAPHNE: Um you know the little nuts and seeds on the top of some bagels? Some have little onions. The part that no one really cares about, but they make a nice touch.
ALEX: I’m honored
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Opening credits
WILLIAM ATWOOD and JOHN’s DAD, ERIC, are sitting in ATWOOD’s apartment talking about ATWOOD’s fiancee, Nella.
ATWOOD: Have I shown you Nella’s wedding ring yet?
ERIC: No, you haven’t shown me.
ATWOOD: Well it's right here
He puts his hand in his pocket and there’s nothing there
ATWOOD: Well it was right there. It isn't there anymore.
ERIC: When was the last time you saw it?
ATWOOD: I don’t know when I put it in my pocket this morning. Nella’s going to kill me. She told me my only job was to have the ring, something about how I can't be trusted with anything.
ERIC: Well I can understand why.
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ATWOOD: What do we do? I’ve been all over this stupid city since then.
ERIC: We’ll just have to start at the beginning and trace your steps.
ATWOOD:Okay let’s start at my apartment. Oh I’m going to be murdered my own fiancee. I’ll make the local news.
Laugh track
Cut to:
Alex is sitting with a bagel in his apartment. He is picking off the nuts and seeds on the top and eating them.
Barbie, his mother walks in.
BARBIE: What are you doing?
ALEX: Eating the me part of the bagel.
Laugh track
Cut to:
DAPHNE is sitting in her apartment with her mother, ANNA, a hard working mother of three.
DAPHNE: Mom, I’m so happy you’re off! This is so exciting.
ANNA: I know. I never sit around. What do I do first?
DAPHNE: Nothing, we just sit and relax.
ANNA: Okay.
ANNA sits and looks at the wall
ANNA: Okay, this is kind of boring.
DAPHNE: You should watch some TV.
She puts on the TV and sits.
They watch for a minute
ANNA: You know what I should do. Fold laundry. I can watch TV and Fold laundry at once.
DAPHNE: You never sit still do you?
ANNA: I can't, it's a problem.
She runs and grabs some laundry.
She leaves
ANNA(Off camera): You know what we’ve never done? Organized the shoe closet.
DAPHNE: Yeah, and let’s keep it that way!
Laugh track
Cut to:
Barbie and Alex are sitting on their sofa
ALEX: You know, Mom, I was thinking. Remember when we went to your friend Darla’s house in Detroit.
BARBIE: Yeah
ALEX: Well they're selling their house aren’t they? Darla and Matt.
BARBIE: Yeah.
ALEX: Remember that door they had? The really nice wooden one. But it wasn’t the main door because behind it there was another one, the boring plain one. Well no one really needs two doors, so I was wondering if we could take the interesting door and um sell it.
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BARBIE: Alex, why would they give us their door?
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ALEX: Yes, but they don’t need two doors. We could have one.
BARBIE: Okay, Alex, for some reason if Darla decided to give you her door, fine. But she already sold the house. To someone else. And how are you supposed to get a door from Detroit to Manhattan anyway?
ALEX: I have it all figured out.
He picks up a big poster board. It’s pretty big, not as big as a door, but big. He holds it out in front of him so his arms are straight and he is holding it straight out in front of him. He starts shuffling sideways
ALEX: I will shimmy
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BARBIE: You are going to shimmy the six hundred miles from Detroit to New York. With a door!
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ALEX: Well I was hoping to get a train somewhere on the way.
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ALEX: I mean think about it. That was one hell of a door. The basement is loaded. We could make some big bucks here.
BARBIE: Alex, honey, I love you, and please don’t take this the wrong way. Where did I go wrong?
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ALEX: I am going to get that door, I will give it my all. I will get that door.
BARBIE: And I will take a nap.
Laugh track
Cut to:
ATWOOD AND DAD are in the hallway of the apartment discussing where they left the ring and GERTRUDE AND LUKE overhear. GERTRUDE AND LUKE are teenagers, GERTRUDE is a huge gossip and LUKE a hypochondriac.
ATWOOD: If Nella finds out, she’s going to kill me.
DAD: Oh my gosh she’s not going to find out.
ATWOOD: I’m so nervous.
GERTUDE(whispering): Oh my gosh, I think he’s cheating on her.
LUKE: ATWOOD wouldn’t do that.
GERTRUDE: You heard him, he literally said that if Nella finds out she’ll kill him, what else could that mean?
LUKE: Look, they're leaving, let's follow them.
GERTRUDE and LUKE follow ERIC and ATWOOD out of the building.
ATWOOD:I was at the department store this morning. Maybe I left them here.-
ERIC:That's like fifty blocks from here.
ATWOOD:We’ll take the subway.
GERTRUDE(whispering): I don’t have any money for the subway do you?
LUKE: No, I left my wallet at home. And I refuse to ride the subway, it’s disgusting. You know how many people touch those seats and railings. There is no way I am getting on that train.
Laugh track
GERTRUDE: Then you’re out of the mission.
LUKE: Oh fine, screw it.
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LUKE: But we still have no money
GERTRUDE: Wait, I have an idea.
She runs into a cafe and comes back with two empty coffee cups, handing one to Luke.
She then starts singing opera surprisingly good.
A couple of people drop change into their cups.
GERTRUDE: Oh my gosh it worked.
LUKE: I didn’t know you could sing like that
GERTRUDE: I don’t tell everyone everything.
LUKE: That’s a huge lie
GERTRUDE: I know
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They walk into the subway station following ATWOOD and ERIC
ATWOOD: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I mean what’s wrong with me, how could I be so stupid?
ERIC: I know I keep wondering that
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LUKE: Does he have no shame? Poor Nella! What would she think of all this?
GERTRUDE: I wonder who she is. His side girl. How old do you think she is?
LUKE: She’s got to be young.
GERTRUDE: Do you think she’s pretty?
LUKE: She can’t be prettier than Nella.
GERTRUDE: Nella is very pretty.
ERIC: I’m very uncomfortable, I feel like someone is following us.
GERTRUDE and LUKE exchange scared looks
Laugh track
Rose and John at a big tea party. Rose’s parents are there with many other people. They are all very fancy.
JOHN: Okay, here we are. At a tea party. What do I have to do?
ROSE: Just smile, shut up, and put your pinky in the air when you drink.
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JOHN: You know, just because I’m your boyfriend doesn’t mean I always have to listen to you.
ROSE: Not always. But it can’t hurt once in a while.
Cut to:
Daphne and her mom
DAPHNE’S MOM: Why aren’t the twins awake? Should I wake them?
DAPHNE : No
ANNA: Okay um I organized the closets, did the laundry, dishes, refilled the hand soap, and waxed the kitchen floors.
Laugh track
ANNA: What do I do now?
DAPHNE: I dunno, sleep?
ANNA: I can’t sleep. There has to be something productive. When was the last time the smoke detector batteries were changed?
DAPHNE: Never. Those things don’t work anymore.
Laugh track
ANNA: Great, now I have something to do.
She gets a screwdriver out of the drawer and goes to change the batteries.
ANNA: I’ve never had a day off before, is this what people do?
DAPHNE: Not in a million years
Laugh track
Cut to:
Alex’s house, he is on the phone, the scene cuts between Bob’s office and Alex’s house as they each speak
ALEX(On the phone): Hi, this is Alex, you don’t know me. Is this Bob Balakin, the real estate agent?
BOB: Yes. Why Are you calling, may I ask?
ALEX: Well, a couple weeks ago. You sold a house for Darla and Matt? Um 673 River Street? Well there was this door that was part of the house and I want it.
Laugh track
BOB: Excuse me? I sold the house, why do you want the door for?
ALEX: You know I could sell it for big bucks.
BOB: Well I already sold it.
ALEX: You sold the house. I just want the door.
BOB: Well the door is part of the house. I’m sorry I really have to go.
ALEX: Well I was just wondering if you could ask the owners if I could have the door.
BOB: No I can’t.
ALEX: Fine, I’m just going to have to get it myself.
Laugh track
Cut to:
Rose and John’s tea party. ROSE, JOHN, and ROSE’S PARENTS are at a tea party. They are eating biscuits.
Rose’s Dad: This is awful
ROSE’S MOM: Shut up, someone’ll hear you.
ROSE’S DAD: Am I wrong?
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A woman comes by serving tea
WOMAN: Tea?
She pours tea for everyone
JOHN takes a sip and chokes. Rose hits him
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JOHN: You know that really disgusting cough syrup you have to take when you're sick as a kid. This tastes like that mixed with old socks and seaweed.
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ROSE’S DAD: John’s not wrong.
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Cut to:
Daphne’s house.
Her mom is hanging up pictures on the wall, cooking, and talking on the phone all at once.
ANNA: I can’t believe it either! Okay so you move to managing, and send Lauren downstairs. No! She quit? Okay um what about George? I forgot he’s in Miami! No! Yes, go ahead.
Laugh track
She ends her phone call.
ANNA: Okay, Daphne, what do we do now?
DAPHNE: There’s nothing left for you to do.
The phone rings again.
ANNA: I miss one day of work, and everything’s falling apart.
DAPHNE: I hate to break it to you, but I think a national insurance company is going to be okay if ANNA YANG doesn’t come in one day.
Laugh track
Cut to:
Alex’s house, he and Barbie are there
ALEX: Okay, Mom. I am going to Detroit.
BARBIE: There is no way on this planet I am going to Detroit to get a door. Why do you even want this door?
ALEX: It’s pure wood. You know how much that could sell for? Over 150 bucks.
BARBIE: Paying for transportation, me missing work, paying someone to remove that awful door, don’t you think that’ll cost more than $150?
ALEX: No. Because I have figured it all out. The school band is taking a trip down to Detroit to perform. I just hop on the bust with them, pretend I play the tuba or whatever. Once I’m there, I run to Darla’s old house and ask the new residents for the door. I’ll bring a drill, grab the door, shimmy down to the school bus, and voila bring it back home.
Barbie puts her head in her hands
Laugh track
Cut to:
Alex sitting in his house, later in the day
He dials up the phone
ALEX: Hi, Bob, this is Alex again. I was wondering if you got any progress on the door?
BOB: I told you no! Now stop calling, kid!
Laugh track
Daphne enters
DAPHNE: Hi, you got any flour.
She goes to the pantry to look and grabs some.
DAPHNE: My mom’s baking. She’s bored out of her mind, she’s never been off before. She cleaned every closet, tightened every door knob, and did every puzzle in the house. So now she’s baking cookies for the soup kitchen.
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ALEX: Well I am going to Detroit to make big bucks. I am so smart
DAPHNE: All the words I think of to describe you right now, smart is not one of them.
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DAPHNE: So basically you will go all the way to Detroit. Go to this woman’s house, you’ve never met her, but you’ll go to her house. And ask for her door. Which you will bring back to New York and sell here.
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ALEX: Yep. I am a genius, Daphne.
He pats her head.
DAPHNE: You’re shirts backwards, Alex.
ALEX: Dammit!
DAPHNE: How is your mom even letting you do this? Go to Detroit.
ALEX: Well honestly I think she’s just happy to get me out of the house and have some peace.
Laugh track
An auditorium. The band is sitting there, Alex in the corner with a tuba. Everyone starts playing really nice. Alex plays a really awful note and everyone stares at him
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TEACHER: Okay, are we all ready to go to Detroit? ON the bus everyone.
Everyone goes outside and boards a bus. Alex sits next to a pretty girl.
GIRL: Are you in band? I’ve never seen you before.
ALEX: Oh yeah, I just normally sit in the back. Alex.
GIRL:Birdie.
They shake hands.
ALEX: You’re very pretty.
BIRDIE: Thank you
They start making out
Laugh track
Cut to:
Barbie is coming home. She starts reading a book. The phone rings.
BARBIE: Hello?
BOB: Hi, this is Bob. Is Alex home?
BARBIE: No.
BOB: Okay, well when you see him please tell him I am changing my number, and I will not get him that door.
Laugh track
Cut to:
Nighttime. Daphne is asleep in her bedroom. The fire alarm starts going off. She wakes up with a jolt.
She gets up and meets her parents in the living room who are carrying crying twins.
DAPHNE: What’s wrong?
ANNA: No idea, but we better get outside
Cut to everyone in the apartment sitting outside.
The firemen come out of the building.
FIREMAN: Nothings wrong. There is no fire. Something was wrong with one of the fire detectors. Someone put the wrong batteries in.
Laugh track
ANNA: That may have been me. Sorry everyone
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MAN : I have to get up at five am tomorrow, thanks for ruining my sleep.
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Cut to:
The next morning.
ALEX is waking up at a hotel.
He gets dressed and leaves.
Cut to:
Him outside DARLA’S house.
ALEX lady opens the door:
LADY: Hi, can I help you?
ALEX: HI, I’m ALEX LABUDDE. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. But my mom’s friends used to live in this house, but they sold it to you. Anyway, I want your door.
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LADY: Excuse me?
ALEX: Well you have two doors. This one and another one inside. I just want the outside door. It has no purpose for you. I want it. And I’ll even pay you. $20 seems fair?
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LADY: Okay, listen I don’t know who you are, or what you want, but please leave.
ALEX: I will leave with that door.
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ALEX: Let’s just talk. That’s an amazing door.
LADY : I know. It’s also attached to my house.
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ALEX: I could fetch I don’t know, 200 dollars for that. How about I pay you 50.
LADY: How about you leave before I call the police.
ALEX: $100. I will give you $100. That’s not bad.
LADY: Honey! Come downstairs please!
A guy comes down.
LADY: This kid wants our door. He says he’ll pay us a hundred bucks for our door. Make him leave please.
ALEX: You don’t understand, I don't want both of your doors. Just one. You don’t even need two doors. I’ll just take this one and go.
Cut to:
Daphne's house.
Her mom is playing with the twins.
ANNA: Isn’t this nice. Me and my three daughters. Maybe I should just be a stay at home mom.
DAPHNE: No! No offense, Mom, but if you stayed at home much longer you’d have cleaned every closet in Manhattan.
Laugh track
The phone rings
SHe picks up
DAPHNE’S MOM: Hello?
MAN: There’s a big problem. I’ve been working here for six years, and never had anything like it.
ANNA: Oh my gosh. What does he want? How much? Never anything like it.
DAPHNE’S MOM: There’s a kid in Detroit, who wants the door off a house we sold last month. He’s very persistent.
DAPHNE: Oh my gosh.
Laugh track
Cut to:
ATWOOD: I can’t believe it! They’re not here! Oh my gosh
LUKE: “They’re not here” There’s more than one girl!
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GERTRUDE: I mean I know Atwood’s good looking and all, but more than one!
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LUKE: Shh listen.
ATWOOD: I can’t believe this. I’m calling Katherine. She better answer. Hello? Katherine? Where are you? Not here? What do you mean Miami? You have to tell me wherever you go! You’re not allowed to leave the city! No I’m not trying to sound controlling I’m just saying. Oh my gosh well what about Marissa? She’s with you too? Oh my gosh.
Laugh track
GERTRUDE: He’s leaving Nella for a Marissa and a Katherine.
Luke: This is bad.
Cut to:
JOHN and ROSE sitting in Rose’s apartment
ROSE: SO the party didn’t suck
JOHN: Obviously we have different definitions of “didn’t suck”
Laugh track
ROSE: It wasn’t that bad.
JOHN: Who has tea parties anyway. I mean we’re not in 1714 England anymore here. So now I’m your boyfriend, I’m obligated to go to these kinds of things.
ROSE: Yep. It’s the rule
JOHN: You know that’s a stupid rule. I mean a couple of people get together all of a sudden there's all these stupid rules. I don’t remember signing any kind of contract.
ROSE: It’s more of a verbal agreement.
JOHN: Okay, so tomorrow I’m watching the twins, after school, because Daphne’s mom is going back to work, so because of this verbal agreement you should have to be there with me.
ROSE: Yes, but see, this verbal agreement doesn’t work if the other person is extremely busy.
JOHN: And are you extremely busy?
ROSE: yes
JOHN: Doing what?
ROSE: I don’t know, I’ll think of something
Laugh track
Cut to Alex getting ready to board the bus.
He sees a free ugly chair outside someone’s house and picks it up and loads it on the bus.
He sits on it in the aisle of the bus. He sees the girl he kissed before.
A: Hi.
BIRDIE: Hey, why do you have a chair?
ALEX: Well funny story. I actually came here for a door and then
Cut to:
BIRDIE: You are a complete weirdo. Who lies about band to get a door!
ALEX: Me.
Laugh track
She shakes her head and starts talking to another girl.
Cut to:
Daphne’s apartment.
ANNA: This is fun. I can’t believe I have to go back to work tomorrow. Maybe I should just take a week off.
DAPHNE: NO! Look, mom, I love you a lot. But please go back to work. You're going crazy here. And taking everyone with you. I mean most of us are already there, we were there long ago, but still. You need to go back to work. For the sake of America. Please. I am begging you.
Laugh track
ANNA: I am going crazy here. I mean there’s just nothing for me to do. I’m used to being so busy and always working. I just feel so bad, you girls are growing up and I want to be here.
DAPHNE: MOM, you are here. Every night. But you know you have your work and home and you have to balance it. Not overdo too much of either.
ANNA: You're right. Gosh, you smart.
DAPHNE: There’s a sentence I’ve never heard before.
Laugh track
They hug
Cut to:
Alex getting off the bus with the chair. A teacher talks to him.
TEACHER: I heard you playing trumpet. Please never come back, you’re horrible.
ALEX: I won’t. Between you and me I never was in the band I was just pretending.
TEACHER: What are you doing with a chair?
ALEX: Well it’s actually a very funny story.
Cut to:
Rose and John are sitting around.
JOHN: Oh, I almost forgot next week I am touring the sewage plant and I would hate to go alone, and don’t worry I know you’re free because your plans were to hang out with me.
Laugh track
ROSE: You win! I give up! Screw the verbal agreement! Okay, happy you win!
Cut to:
Alex getting off the bus with the chair. He shimmiess from the best stop to his apartment.
Cut to ALEX coming home
He rings the bell
MOm: Hi sweetheart, you’re home!
ALEX(Shimmying with the chair): Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy shimmy shimmy
Laugh track
MOM: What happened with the door?
ALEX: Well apparently the lady didn’t want to give it up. So I took this free chair.
MOM: Why is it so um ugly?
Laugh track
ALEX: It is not. It’s beautiful. And it’s got to be worth something.
Cut to: JOHN’s apartment the four are sitting there
A: So this guy is threatening to send me to jail, so finally I give up and grab this free chair. But the good part is I got a chair and I kissed a girl. The bad part is I didn’t get the door and I broke up with the girl.
J: Why, ALEX, why?
Laugh track
ATWOOD and DAD are in the elevator, Gertrude and Luke join them.
ATWOOD: I can’t believe Marissa and Katherine aren’t here.
LUKE: You’re cheating on Nella? With this Katherine? Nella’s going to kill you.
ATWOOD: I’m not cheating on anyone. I lost Nella’s wedding ring. Katherine and Marissa are girls I bought the rings from. I need to buy another one.
GERTRUDE: You lost the rings? Nella’s definitely going to kill you now.
Laugh track