I watch my teenager through half-closed blinds

(trigger warning for mention of mental illness etc)

I watch her smile too wide

I watch her leave the house in just torn tights and a fluffy black jacket

I watch her as she twirls through the street with a can in hand

I watch her cry until she has to change the pillow

I watch her insult some 14 year olds back

I watch her lay in bed until she cries from the hunger pains

I watch her sneak a weighing scales into our house

I watch her spend all day at the skatepark

I watch her talk to people she doesn’t like

I watch her fight with her girlfriend everyday

I watch her flush food down the toilet

I watch her throw up what little food she did eat

I watch her do lines off a self-help book

I watch her hurt herself to the same hyper-pop song everynight

I watch her sneak out of the house at midnight

I watch her meet up with people who just want her drugged

I watch her sit in the CAMHS waiting room with big boots and a bigger scowl

I watch her take antidepressants and antipsychotics

I watch her become more and more numb with every day

I watch her take an OD and fall asleep with the worst pain

I watch her lie to doctors and show her scars when she felt unheard

I watch her long to be so ill that they would hospitalise her

I watch her hit her head off walls and black out, not remembering it when her mother brings it up

I watch her scream at her girlfriend for caring

I watch her romanticise Euphoria and use bad eyeliner

I watch her never sleep and give herself tattoos that she knows she’ll regret

I watch her sit on her windowsill because she liked how it made her friends worry

I watch her destroy herself

I watch her, trapped in the future, thinking if only she knew that her future self cares about her

I watch myself stumble upon that same hyper-pop song and have honest to god flashbacks

I watch myself hear the name of the meds and have even more flashbacks

I watch myself have to take the same OD substance and have yet another flashback

I watch myself start to have compassion for my teenager

I watch myself defend her, she was just so angry and so sad

I watch myself recognise that she made so many mistakes

I watch myself grow, while leaving room for her to stomp around

I watch myself move away from the half closed blinds