note to self

I want to write a suicide note

so I’m writing this instead.

My head longs for escape

my mind can’t shake the weight

so I’m writing this instead.

My brain runs through all the ways I could let this day be my last

but I can’t betray the part of me -- however small -- that wants to stay,

so though suicide’s lure is charismatic

I know deep down that true care is magic

so I’m writing this instead.

It’s hard for me to understand why anyone would want to be here

after taking one look outside

or turning on the news,

but i know the choice I have to choose

so with my beating chest, and I cheat my best-laid plans and write this instead.

When my hands want to hurt

and my skins aches to break,

leaving marks in the night that only show dark in the light --

all I want is to leave

but I’m writing this instead.

I go to bed but my mind goes to war.

There’s a monster that comes out at night;

his power peaks when the sun is asleep

morphing into something I don’t recognize,

waking me from my dreams with a tantalizing scream so shattering I can’t breathe.

Yet after thousands of nights filled with these fights that I feel like I’ve lost,

the scoreboard reminds me I actually haven’t lost one yet

so I’m writing this instead.

I’m writing this instead because it’s better than the alternative

and I’m fighting to alter my narrative.

Instead of trying to ease my tears by teasing my ears

with the seduction of destruction

for a piece of a peace of mind that I know I’ll never get.

Instead of letting the same scene replay that’s only led to death and decay,

instead of letting it nudge me along, convince me I don’t belong

I don’t feel strong but I know writing a suicide note right now would be wrong.

My brain tempts me, tells me it would just be a precaution

but I’ve seen that one before and I know it only ends with my dead body in a coffin

and this pain doesn’t get to take me to my grave

so I’m writing this instead.

But honestly,

sometimes i hate the part of me that won’t let me kill myself.

That won’t let me leave as I beg and plead

but it won’t retreat

won't offer me the reprieve I so desperately seek.

I’ve tried to shut it up.

Drown it in alcohol

starve it for days

cut it in pieces

I’ve tried every way but still it holds firm --

committed to keeping me from committing so

I’m writing this instead.

I’ve written and rid myself of suicide notes before.

I throw them out just to rewrite them

delete them from my computer to eventually retype them.

But I’ll do that as many times as I need

because I've learned the only thing more resilient than my pain is me

so as long as the pain persists

I’ll persist, too.

Tonight I wanted to write a suicide note,

so I wrote this instead.