“Good Night”

Holding on to the pillow at night

I wonder why I keep letting this

Shit happen.

I've memorized your footsteps and

Which door is which when it shuts

Then I count the seconds and imagine

What it's like being on the other side.

What's it like to be a part of a routine

That if someone leaves (or dies) this

Would all crumble but if I leave

You all would be just fine?

This reality hurts but it's the only one

I can think of because I don't understand

Anything but loneliness and counting every

Kiss and hug as a fluke.

You forgot again and I just went to bed

Instead of coming to you first because

I know you'll actually want me if you

Made the first move.

I'm not used to being wanted and

This shit is weird so I assume the worst

Just to have control in a situation where I

Should feel free.

It's only a "good night" and

Nothing to get upset over

Yet my internal checklist says

"I'm not as important as they are."

It's only a "good night", though.

It's only a "good night."