Word vomit

My worst fear is being loved-

wholly acception of my whole being

i trust too much and not at all

i keep everyone at a distance, please don't touch me

i don't deserve it

my tears aren't worth your hugs and kisses

do i even know how to love?

i'm too wrong to be loved, too messed up inside

i hurt too often and retreat into my dreams,

for reality is too painful to bear for me

But i still crave it

the touch of another- sweet and gentle and kind

a promise that my scars are okay, even the ones you can't see

my imaginary love is pure, agape

yet how do i receive something so selfless and heavenly?

i am tainted, memories fill my head of regrets and sadness

of pain and terror

years and years, decades and decades of being repressed and shadowed

how can you know me when i don't even know me?

who am i?

how dare i deign to ask for something so undeserving as a love

when have i ever earned it instead of just yearning?

this love is absolving of sin

will this love too weigh the scales of my youth- am i worthy in the afterlife?

a caress on my hand, holding me steady to face the wrath of this cruel world

the cruel world that is unbecoming of my love, something so delicate

should i ever achieve that love, that acceptance and life

would i know what is my dream and my reality?

for this love would certainly curtain my vision away from disaster,

and leave me in shame

for why would i ever be capable of being seen by my love

when i cannot gaze upon my own mortality without hatred and disgust?

*this was a one draft little drabble that i needed to get out, no edits