Kids Quotes

I worked for 5 months at my local elementary school as a YMCA group leader, watching over kids from the building until their parents came to pick them up. I have never before or since been around and in charge of so many children at once.

Because, I guess, they trusted me enough, they endowed upon me some of their most secret questions and concerns. The following is a list of real things I was told or asked throughout my time at that job.

• “I think the color green is for girls because ‘NAME REDACTED’ left me for my brother.”

• “Trees are upside down!”

• “I want to play with scissors on his face!”

• “When I was gone, did ‘NAME REDACTED’ cry?”

• “He’s crying because he likes poop.”

• “I walk like this because I’m Russian.”

• “This is my favorite shirt. My dog ate my old favorite shirt.”

• “I have 12 girlfriends and you’re one of them, mister.”

• “Santa came to my house and hurt my brother and I laughed.”

• “I wanted to draw you a chicken because I think ‘NAME REDACTED’ looks like one. Do you think so?”

• “How do you control the numbers like that?”

• “He took my hula-hoop. Mr. Yousuf, I want to hurt him. Let me hurt him.”

• “The police are stupid. My mom said so.”

• “My brother is the stupidest person alive and my teacher thinks so too.”

• “I hate kids.”

• “I think you’re my favorite person. I’m going to miss you.”

• “These walls can’t contain me, Mr. Yousuf! I run into them all the time!”

• “He’s not very cool because he’s never beaten me at any game or any sport. I ate a slice of pizza faster than he ate a piece of celery and I still won.”

• “My dad had a stroke and now he’s richer than my mom.”

• “My brother’s a cannibal, look at him run!”

And my personal all-time favorite:

• “My brother is in the girls bathroom again, Mr. Yousuf, and he’s taking all the soap. Girls need soap, Mr. Yousuf! Girls need soap!”