Flames Die, So Do I

Don't tell me to look on the bright side,

because I am the bright side,

at least I am to you,

and to my lover and my brother and my mother.

I try so hard to keep smiling,

because when I do

it's wide and white and infectious,

but when I don't it's small and it's twisted and it's bitter

it's ugly

because the world is ugly

and everyday I try to fight the world

but the world is an opponent you cannot win against

because it is too big to be a direct target.

There's no winning against something that's only in your head,

because your head is your weakness,

your Achilles heel

at least it's mine,

tell me is it this way for you to?

Because you don't act like it

and it's really confusing for me.

I'm not sure where to go from here,

or how to keep breathing stale air and unsure gestures.

All I know is you tell me to keep looking forward.

But there is no forward,

because for so long you put me at the front of the wolf pack.

Where do I go when I'm supposed to be the leader,

and the horizon is ended

and all I'm seeing is empty space.

There's nowhere to go and nowhere to turn and I just stay still

And it eats me up

It doesn't have teeth though,

it's just tight and uncomfortable and everyday is painful

but no I'm not suicidal

so no you don't need to put me in the psych ward

or put me on a 72-hour watch

or take away my razors

or my rope

or my chairs

because just like my fear of heights and the darkness

you cannot take away my deadly things

because they are in my head

and they will kill me

as surely as a serrated blade or a noose made out of sheets

I am not safe from myself because the horrors in my head are dangerous

and you aren't aware I need help,

because I am the bright side you look towards in darkness

and the light isn't supposed to go out.