growing pains

one day you're 16, panicking because the other kids at school are sending around a video of you passed out drunk on the floor at a party a few weeks earlier

then you're 17, snorting cocaine with the hundred bill your grandma gave for christmas

then you're 18, posting porn you've titled something like "tiny blonde teen tries anal"

then you're 19, fucking your boss, happy because he's the first man to treat you like a person

then you're 20, writing a LinkedIn blog about some advancement in digital marketing that you don't really understand

you're 20, celebrating three years sober

you're 20, crying while unloading the dishwasher in your new apartment at midnight

you're 20, and people are still telling you to enjoy your youth

you're 20, and you don't know what they mean

you're 20, and your youth was never yours, just something for men to commodify

you're 20, and your youth never felt like something to enjoy, just a string of horrible things, most of them self-inflicted

you're 20, and everything is ok now but you're still not