the doctors said it would take four to five months

but now it's been six to seven months and you're

still as distant as before, farther down the hill, an

empty shell of who you used to be. your smile

isn't the same anymore and it seems that was lost

a long time ago. you still grab my hand and call

me by my special nickname but it's just for show.

you're simply hanging on to the tiny threads that

remain of your past life. i wish it didn't hurt as

much as it did. i know you just want everything to

go back to normal, for you to be better, for life to be

better...but people like us don't get better. we learn

to deal with it like we always have. to find some

way around this obstacle in the road. and maybe,

just maybe, it means you don't make it over this

hill. maybe this is where we part ways until after death.

if that be the case, so be it for a part of me wonders

if it would be better for you to pass on and to leave

us behind to morn and grieve but also to heal and

prosper. these past months have been difficult on

all of us and all i can think about is when will it

be over? oh god, when? i don't know how much

more i could take of this. oh god if i had not made

that stupid promise on a stupid serotonin high, i

could be long since gone. i'd be six feet under,

next to my brother, finally at rest. the bit of my life

that i can recall has been garnished with trauma

and scars...nothing i'm too proud of but i guess

in the end, it is what it is. i just wish, that if

tomorrow were to come, i would not awake

from my sleep but simply continue on.