reasons why i watch neurosurgery videos on YouTube

I

i watch videos of neurosurgery because

it is much easier to say

"this is so amazing"

than

"i'm in love with a neurosurgeon

who doesn't love me back"

much easier.

II

i watch these videos

because i feel like

i need a reason to remember you.

III

neurosurgery comes up as

"recently viewed"

because i remind myself

why i feel like i don't deserve love

to try to make sense

of my brain's logically painful decision

IV

i am trying

to fill the void you left

when i pushed you out.

most neurosurgery videos

focus on removing something

dangerous or damaging

from the brain

V

it is easier

to hide the sounds of sobbing

when you are watching

something miraculous

VI

you are a neurosurgeon

i am what should be removed

though i made that decision freely

i now know

that i would give up

every heartbeat

past and future

to know that

my tears were not pointless

my heartbreak was not selfish

abandoning hope was the

second worst decision i ever made.