A Guide to Social Interaction

STEP ONE: Make an excuse to get out of it.

If step one fails, proceed to alternate guide

ALTERNATE GUIDE

STEP ONE: Briefly acknowledge the host of this forced gathering. Exchange pleasantries. Compliment their undoubtedly unflattering attire.

STEP TWO: Allocate the source of food. This is important. Constantly eating will allow you to have a task that does not involve other people. It is also a great escape route.

STEP THREE: Make yourself familiar with the person serving drinks. They are your only true friend in this setting.

STEP FOUR: From your position near the food, casually eavesdrop on conversations to see if any are worth interjecting yourself into.

STEP FIVE: Hide your frustrations in a locked room. Bathroom is ideal, but dangerous as others may need to use it. Pantry is better, if present. Laundry room is also good choice.

STEP SIX: Have at least one conversation. It will probably be about someone else's kids, or how good the food is.

STEP SEVEN: Step outside. This prevents the obnoxious tragedy passing as a playlist from invading your brain from the inside out.

STEP EIGHT: Leave. Tell no one. Say no goodbyes. Give zero hugs or well wishes.

STEP NINE: When at home, once you are noticed to be gone, respond to text message from friends, blame chronic headache problem that you just invented.

STEP TEN: Go to bed and swear to never go to a social engagement again.