when is it time to give up?

is it fifth grade?

when you cried every night

because you thought god had given up on you?

is it seventh grade?

when you first brought a knife to your skin

for the sole purpose of pain?

is it ninth grade?

when the whole world was resting on your shoulders

weighing you down until you tried to kill yourself?

or is it later?

the second attempt?

the third?

no,

it was the day

you said I couldn’t be a boy

because I was born female and “that’s the way god wants me to be”

because god “doesn’t make mistakes”

AS IF I DIDN’T SPEND ALL MY LIFE THINKING I WAS A MISTAKE

AS IF I HADN’T PRAYED TO GOD EVERY NIGHT TO CHANGE ME, TO MAKE ME NORMAL

Ha

funny

that those few words

were my demise

that’s when I decided

it was time to give up