Counting on You Pt. 1 and Pt. 2

“Trauma; the response to a distressing or deeply disturbing event that overwhelms an individual, in turn shaping the way they view the world around them.”

My trauma is strong and deep-rooted

like a thousand year old oak in the middle of an untouched forest.

It is an intricate web of lies,

standing tall and proud through rainstorm and hellfire

never backing down, unfaltering.

It is the one thing I can always count on.

The way I used to count on you.

My trauma is disastrous

and heartbreaking

and terrifyingly beautiful.

So complex not even I can understand.

Why do I cry? Why can I not sleep?

Why are relationships so complicated for me?

My trauma is meant to be a metaphor

for rain bringing flowers

and storms yielding rainbows.

Helping to make sense of the world but

making it no less hard for my heart to move on.

My trauma moves mountains and valleys;

wanes moons and controls the tides.

It sings songs of past memories waiting to be forgotten

and never falters in intensity or love the way you did.

My trauma made the way I loved you all-consuming.

It was wholesome and pure and

never-ending.

Your love for me was

not.

Pt. 2

The way you loved me was underwhelming.

It was lackluster and unhealthy-

fake.

The way you loved me carved valleys into my mountains;

made craters in my moons

and washed away my shores.

It silenced all my songs.

The way you loved me brought a stream of rain.

Not the good kind,

but the kind that wipes out entire cities

and destroys anything they touch.

Leaving me to make sense of tragedy.

The way you loved me was disastrous

and heartbreaking and terrifying.

So complex I cannot begin to understand.

I cry because you’re not here.

How could I ever sleep without you?

How could I be with anyone else when all I think of is you.

You said your love for me was strong and deep-rooted.

It was like a thousand year old oak embedded itself into my chest.

Spiders crawling out to weave their webs,

Standing tall and proud through rainstorm and hellfire

never backing down, unfaltering.

It was the one thing I could always count on.

The way I used to count on you.