attention seeker
i've spent my whole life
wishing to be unnoticed.
hoping to slide by
away from society's eyes.
people i didn't know
said my name in the hallways
and it scared me;
being noticed.
when i moved out
of that school
suddenly i knew no one
and no one knew me.
the world was big and vast
and most people
had no idea i existed.
i was a drop of water
in a flooding universe.
i was small and insignificant,
just how i'd always wanted.
finally, i knew
i could come and go as i please
and no one would notice.
i'd walk under the metal detectors
and no one would stop me
if it beeped at me.
i'd wander the halls at lunch
and no one would tell me
to return to my class.
i could go anywhere,
do anything.
i had power.
i had everything i'd ever wanted...
didn't i?
i'd read too many books,
seen too many stories,
of the underdog becoming a hero.
i wanted to be the underdog
so i could become the hero
but i never really succeeded
at being either one.
i was born into privilege
and chose to throw it away.
i was born to be forgotten
and i realize now i
never wanted it that way.
i wanted to be loved
to be seen,
but i also wanted to rise.
and you can't rise
when you start at the top.
rather than fighting my way up,
i fought my way down,
clawing myself deeper and deeper
hoping to find myself a sob story
so i could become something more.
but all i got was darkness
no easy way back up.
now i'm trapped in the hole i dug
and i can't fight it anymore.
when people ask me "why"
i can't give an answer
because my life has always been perfect.
the only imperfection here
is me.
i've dug myself down
thrown dirt in my eyes
and then sobbed until i'm red
hoping someone hears my cries.
maybe there's something wrong with me
maybe i deserve this.
because no one comes to help me.
(maybe i'm a toxic person)
maybe the reason that no one shows
is because every day that hunger grows.
hunger for eyes, for attention, for love.
even though i recieve it every day,
i want more.
but i've succeeded in making myself invisible;
no undoing it now.
the only curse i have
is the one i've brought upon myself.
now if only i could
convince myself
that my life meant something.
but it doesn't. not a thing.
i dragged myself down,
and i'll drag you, too.