Josephine

Sea salt and missing girls

They won’t miss us, she promised hurriedly

While we climbed the highest rocks and played as gods

We declared the ocean our playground and the beach our domain

She said we’d fly far away from here

We’d fly so high, she told me, the immortals on Olympus would envy us

But we failed to learn from Icarus

His sacrifice was in vain

Her toes on the edge as I clamored to keep up

Her chin tilted upwards in blatant defiance as if daring Zeus to strike her down

My eyes averted toward the water for just a moment too long

Lavender gossamer clung to olive skin and chocolate tresses covered her face

I was glad for that; I couldn’t bear to see her then, in her last moments

I like to imagine her as she was the night before

She never looked so beautiful

I imagine nobody else thought her much to look at

And as the daughter of a viscount, she wasn’t even a lady, my cousins sneered

Without a dowry, she would have been unremarkable

But a girl like her would never settle for a word like that

So she danced with whomever she pleased but at first, that list didn’t include me

We sat across from each other during dinner

And I could make her smile by sticking my tongue out and crossing my eyes whenever the man sitting next to her turned away

Eventually, we sought each other out in crowded rooms

In three weeks, we were never apart

My grandmother saw us one night in the library when we should’ve been asleep

But she didn’t tell anyone

She told me she used to have a friend like Josephine was to me

But I wanted to tell her that we weren’t friends

Friends didn’t sneak into the other’s room for a moment of repreive from boasts about wealth and status veiled behind almost compliments and offhanded comments

We weren’t friends

But I didn’t know the word for daring, brave girl who didn’t care if our love was unlawful or amoral

Didn’t care about the suitors- not to mention her family- she was letting down by choosing me

Setting her hands on my waist where everyone could see

And maybe if I had been brave like her

I would have found a way to save her

I didn’t know how to say she put the sun in the sky and taught me about the stars

I didn’t know how to say I loved her

We didn’t talk about the love letters

We didn’t think about forever

We thought we were entitled to a lifetime together

She didn’t know how to keep a secret, not like me

So by the time luncheon concluded on the first day of our final week together

Her maid had found the letters strewn across her quilt that she had been reading and forgot to put away

The library was silent as she and I sat on opposite sides of the room

My father yelled and so did hers

Our mothers had been left in the dark because as they insisted, “The women should not have to witness the shame of their daughters.”

Of course, my mother found out, and she wasn’t angry

At me, but she blamed my father for inviting “that family” to vacation with us for the summer

To her, a decent status and an overflowing trust fund meant you could do no wrong, but clearly I was proof to the contrary

I didn’t look at Josephine for a long time

I couldn’t bear to see what I had done to the only person who mattered to me

I remembered all those hours of hiding and vacant stares during dances because all we could think of was what the other was doing

I can’t imagine how many toes I stepped on to get closer to her

The time we shared would never be replaced

“We’ll dance like real people do,” she whispered one night when the ballroom was empty

More daring than we’d ever been, we started slowly and quietly

Hesitantly taking a step closer and awkwardly arranging our limbs that didn’t seem to fit anywhere

But it was like magic to waltz in her arms

Never had I danced with anyone without feeling insecure and unworthy, but she made me feel brilliant and confident

Her skirts swirled around mine until we painted the world in pearlescent periwinkle and peach blossom

Before I could whisper I love you

A maid’s stern cough brought us out of our daydream and suddenly, we just schoolchildren, bashful and guilty

Caught in the act of something sinful and wrong

She promised me we were innocent, that we weren’t sick like they said and we didn’t belong in an asylum either

When the roses had begun to shrivel up like unwanted fruit, our parents started making plans to leave

We found ourselves in a place we’d been so many times before

A long dinner of solemn faces had made us anxious

Our “misstep,” as her father called it, had made everyone grim

And everyone knew it was us

Even the servants didn’t look at us the same anymore

They put us at opposite ends of the table, put uncles and cousins and family friends in between us like prison guards

We managed to escape their careful watch outside the drawing room while everyone headed to bed

So beside the wilting rose bushes, outside my parents’ bedroom window, we made a plan

In the garden close to midnight, I panned for gold in the flecks in her hazel eyes

And she promised we’d run away and no one needed to know where

My lace gloves recalled how it felt to caress her cheek a final time at the crest of the cliff

The seafoam unevenly swept across the coastline

And I felt like crying

Because inside I was dying

If we couldn’t be together, I didn’t know how to go on without her

I was naïve enough not to consider that as a possibility

And maybe her father was right and we got what we deserved

Our wings were made of wax and glass, leftover love letters and whispered promises

The sea breeze would only carry us so far

It was foolish to say otherwise

Crumpled like a passed over Valentine, two steps from being washed away with the tide, broken and defeated, was not how I wanted to remember her

We’re not heroes

Or angels or gods or monsters or mermaids or sirens

We’re not dryads or sea nymphs

We’re mortals and we break when we fall

And we all fall eventually