a lie that both of us believe

Is it so wrong that I miss you

Is it so wrong that I want to go back

to the days where my biggest worry was who I would sit with at lunch

Now it's all college applications and student debt

when it used to be multiplication facts and bus rides

I used to scream Paramore lyrics on the way home

begging for a taste of freedom

but I'd do anything to go back

to the days when all I did was laugh at bad jokes

a hole is where my innocence used to be

I can't remember the last time I threw caution to the wind

I'm constantly stressing

Will I make it in the real world?

all the fears suffocate me

turn me into something I'm not

I wish I was a butterfly, spreading my wings into the open

Is it so wrong that I miss my old self

Is it so wrong that I miss middle school

and the way I thought things would never change

the future felt so far away

and now it's here and I don't know how to cope

Hiding in my room, under the blankets

is safer for me

ignoring the risks I know I have to take

hoping the regrets will be taken away

just because I don't want to commit

wishing I could avoid the change that's coming

I know it's coming

sitting here feeling like I'm living a lie

Smiling when I sometimes feel like I hate life

Am I willing to put away all my fears

even though they don't want freedom to find me?

Emotions come for me at the worst of times

Is it so wrong that I want to go back

Is it so wrong that I want to remember how it felt

to laugh in a class with nothing weighing down my shoulders

I think I'm feeling too much like my old self

but not the one I want to be

more like the one I thought I buried

She appears right when I feel the most lost

drifting out of my safe zone

Here's something you know

cope in a negative way but it's all familiar

shutting down and backsliding

a lot of issues no one really sees

Invisible tears and silent screams come from closed doors

hands shaking, reaching for a way out

a hostage to my fear

Beg and plead all you want

but getting your hopes up is dangerous

Is it so wrong that I miss you

and the way you used to be

before all the shit we went through as kids

Looking back, I don't see what I wish I did

people tell me I'm strong and

I'm their role model

but I'm still sitting scared in my room

of the kids on the playground

of the mom I never knew

of the rejection that will come eventually

Comforted by the solitude

it's better to be alone under the blankets

then alone at a lunchtable.