I Used to...

No one recognized me when I walked in the door.

On the drive into the city my heart was racing / pounding in my chest. Finally, months.....No, it's been years. Damn, it's been years. I can't believe it! I used to be there every week. I used to walk in the door and 6 or 8 people would yell out my name. It was like a second home. It was home, come to think about it. I used to live for that place, the adrenaline rush. I used to go all in. I had heart. I had heart. I used to be so determined that I'd go 6 or 8 hours without a single drink of water, beer, or anything. Man, are they going to be surprised! I should pick up a six pack to share. I used to bring a case of beer, two cases on special occassions. I'm feeling good. I haven't felt this good in months....Years. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt like hell. I'm ready though. I'm ready. I'm ready for the pain. I've grown soft. I had grown soft. I'm better now. It's going to hurt. I'm ready now. I used to go in there totally unprepaird

I couldn't find a parking space within three blocks of the place. I used to have my own special space out in the alley. It was like I owned the place. I was okay. I held my own. More than that. When I was o, I was ON. There was no stopping me! I'm ready to get back in. They are going to be surprised.

The place looks the same. Still hasn't been painted since who knows when.

I used to wonder when the hell they were going to paint the old place. I'm really wondering now. "I'm here!" I yell out joyfully as I enter the room. A few people glance my way, but the rest just keep on a going. It's okay. I know what it's like to be focused. I used to be so focused, my eyes would get blurry and dry from not blinking.

No one I recognize. Different crowd. "What do you want," he asks rudely. What the hell does he think I want? "I used to...." but he's not listening. He's looking at some woman across the room. I clear my throat. "Yeah, what? Spit it out old man. I'm busy here." "I'm in!" I say proudly, after years away. "You?' he asked incredulously. "I used to". "Yeah, yeah. You used to. I used to wear diapers, but I'm not now." "I'm in," I said again, giving him my coldest stare. "You sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "It's going to hurt old man! It's going to hurt a lot!" "I'm ready!" "Okay," he says while shaking his head slowly. "Get in line."

Yes! I'm back, and I'm ready! I'm ready to get hurt!