light glittering idly past

thick glass in the shape of my hands; glass,

crawling up past my skin, splintering with pain where

it and i unevenly end and begin

these fingers are sometimes cavities that hardly move--hand,

much the same--empty of themselves and

empty of me, in all of my

shimmering blinding stillness

sometimes i think

sometimes i wonder

if my empty fingers cry out a

possibility of the future of the rest of me

fingers sometimes almost as real as skin,

see my bones bending gently within

web of tendons and nerves, bodies of muscle;

all drowned in my blood

sometimes these fingers move,

and when they do, i move to

cup your cheek in my hand,

try not to wince when you do, as my hand is far too cold for you

other times, when these fingers refuse to take orders from my mind of minds,

you hold my hand in your gloved one (again, i am far too cold)

and you read and sing me to sleep when i begin to cry

because i don’t recall feeling you and i miss what i don’t quite understand

i wish, sometimes, that i was

better

for you--

warm and alive and well and

i miss you, i miss you,

even when you are so close, even when you are so near,

because it’s killing me to have the means

to touch your hand or your face, yet not be able to feel