If someone were to ask me

how I am feeling now,

i would naturally say I’m fine.

but sometimes, my greatest flaw

is hiding how I feel inside.

if someone were to ask me

how I am doing today

i would tell them I am not doing okay.

life has become more of a burden

rather than a gift.

it seems like there’s always someone trying to screw me over,

oh wait, that’s just me.

it seems like the universe is one big cosmic joke.

i hear my mother crying

echoing in my head.

i want to comfort her

but she’s nowhere near.

i know when she comes home

after ive worked my shift,

she’ll be put together, she’ll be strong.

but nothing seems to stop the record

playing on repeat.

over and over again, I can hear every sob with such clarity

it’s like she’s not gone at all.

life is kind of sucky right now,

trying to hurt everyone I love.

a close and trusted family friend

watches her 2 year old daughter

as she slowly succumbes to the cancer

plaguing her body.

a close friend, one I hold dear to my heart,

is watching and waiting,

holding his breath as the uncertainty of the life of

two members of his family

are slowly slipping away.

he wanted to end it all

the second he heard the news.

popping pills for two days

trying to escape the pain,

he grew slightly distant

so close yet so far away.

i often worry about him,

because he’s a few state lines away,

if something were to happen to him

i would never know.

i myself haven’t been faring

to the hand that life has dealt me.

an endless cycle of relapse and guilt

followed closely by a sharp sting

in both my arms and my heart.

I want to stop the bleeding

i want to stop the stinging

i want to stop it all

but it keeps calling me back.

like a moth drawn to a flame

i find myself with it again and again.

bright red angry streaks

crisscross my arms and shoulders,

my thighs and knees.

i want to stop this all

before it gets too far.

but it is the only thing

keeping me going.

it is the only thing

dulling the pain

in my heart, in my mind.

so, I guess if you were to ask me

how I am coping today,

i’ll look you kindly in the eyes

and say “I am alive today, that is all that matters.”

now my friend, it’s my turn to ask

how are you today?