*

I asked you what you wanted for your birthday

And you told me you wanted to see me smile.

You said to forget about the gifts or the monety,

And to just be happy for once.

I showed up to your party doing my best to grin,

Hiding my insecurities behind a vibrant yellow dress.

Your favorite color is yellow, like the sun when it sets,

Or the flowers on your front lawn as they blossom.

I wore the earrings you gave me a few months back,

Blue like the sea in the mid afternoon, the same color

As the sky overhead just when it's about to rain.

A soft grey, yet a deep blue at the same time.

You told me I looked happy, pretty, and alive.

But I didn't feel it.

Not for a moment.

Every second made my head spin.

Every lie that came out of my mouth,

Covered up by a laugh made my gut twist.

Everyone that looked at me and smiled made me

Want to throw up because it was all fake.

The yellow wasn't for how happy I was.

It was because I was a coward and too scared to admit it.

The blue wasn't calm or peaceful

But rather raging and foaming,

Ready to break at the drop of a hat.

"Smile." You told me, smiling at me.

But all I heard was a plea from a friend,

Begging me

To put on my party mask,

And pretend I was okay

For once.

Because they wanted

To have a good day,

Uninterupted by

My lack

Of motivation

To live.

(Maybe you're not my friend after all)