;

i wanted to write

a final goodbye

to spell out everything

i hated about myself

to make you understand

all of my guilt and shame

that weighed on me

the kind of guilt

that never lets you sleep

and if you do

it haunts your dreams

i wanted to write

you a letter

but i could never decide

if i wanted to write

a rant or an apology

if i should

list all the ways you'd hurt me

or say sorry

just one last time

i could never decide

if it was worse to never know

or to read a letter filled with blame

i tried so many times

but i never had

thirteen reasons why

just blurry memories

that i did not know how to name

sometimes i lie awake at night

trying to piece together

a letter in my mind

and though sometimes

i want to say goodbye

i hope i never finish writing it

maybe one day

i will set it aside