20 Regrets (or You Can Call Me Bruce)

I.

In kindergarten arts & crafts,

a classmate called my project ugly.

Honestly, it looked like vomit-

too much glue, not enough tissue paper.

But I should've torn up his artwork

instead of mine.

II.

In first grade, not knowing how

to process emotions, I knocked a girl over

when she kissed me on the cheek.

I also called her ugly. She wasn't

and I didn't wash my face for a week.

Her arm, broken from the accident,

was in a cast for much longer.

III.

In fourth grade, math stumped me.

I just couldn't master my times tables

like all the other kids. I broke

a pencil every time I felt stupid.

I seemed to have nothing but broken pencils.

IV.

In 1994, Jack Kirby died.

He created my favorite character, the Hulk.

I missed my opportunity to write him

a thank you letter for a hero I could relate to.

V.

In sixth grade, the school play:

it was just a small role but damn!

I wanted to be flawless, rehearsed relentlessly.

I got so nervous I threw up on stage.

Everyone laughed.

I earned the name Puke Face.

VI.

When I was 15, dad left us.

He explained that he found a new woman

to start a family that he could love.

He never apologized.

I punched a hole in my wall

wishing it was his face.

VII.

I should've tried to make more friends.

But I wanted more time for tv and comics.

VIII.

Despite diligent studying,

I failed yet another math test.

I don't remember hitting my locker that hard

but school fined me for destruction of property.

IX.

There will always be bullies.

I thought I deserved the teasing

so I didn't stand up to them.

Except one... sort of.

I killed his dog.

X.

My grandparents always wanted to see me.

I was just too busy or

they lived too far away.

Now I miss them and they're gone,

so much further away than they've ever been.

XI.

I don't think I saw my therapist long enough.

XII.

I should've started exercising sooner.

XIII.

Every time hunger trumped foresight

and I ate off a taco truck.

Would superman ever eat Kryptonite

because it smelled good in a corn tortilla?

XIV.

How long did members of the Manhattan Project

relish in their pride before the fallout of regret?

You are the most beautiful thing

I've ever been a part of.

XV.

Sometimes I just don't know how to cope.

Sometimes I just get angry.

I try meditation and yoga,

I try to find my Zen.

But like Bruce Banner something green

and ferocious rages inside of me.

Sometimes I need to smash.

Sometimes I need to feel your skull crack

beneath my knuckles.

XVI.

Rip the plaster off the walls of a temple,

it's still a temple, still holy

still beautiful.

I'm sorry for how these fists

try to redecorate your face, for the ugly

colors they try to paint over your beauty.

But maybe

if you weren't so damn beautiful

I could feel like I deserved you,

wouldn't be reminded of things I am not

every time you smile at me; maybe

if you were just a little bit damaged, I

wouldn't feel so broken.

I'm sorry for how my hands say I Love You.

XVII.

I should have never let you stay.

How did you love me?

XVIII.

I'm sorry that all I have are I'm-sorrys.

XIX.

We both thought you could make me a better human.

XX.

I thought your tears could wash the monster off of me.