secrets I wish to tell you

I don't know

if you're ready

to hear this:

Your children need you.

Your grandson needs you.

You need you.

I don't know

if you're ready

to realize this:

I hear the bottles

I see the brown bags in your purse

I watch your eyes change

dilated tears are difficult to hide

No one needs to go to their closet that many times a day

I don't know

if you're ready

to know this:

The bottles tell me how much you're hurting that day

The severity of our slurring tells me how poorly you're coping

The tremors tell me you're more than "not okay"

I don't know

if you're ready

to stop:

You've stopped seeing your counselor

you blame lack of insurance

You've stopped being postive

you blame everything going wrong

You've stopped being happy

you blame everything

I don't know

if you're ready

to hear this:

I don't know how to help

I don't ask anymore

I already know

I don't want to talk to you about it

you'll tell me I'm the reason you have to

There are many things I don't know and even more that I don't understand. But I am certain of this: I am losing you right before my eyes. Your end is coming and I. am. terrified.