Insomnia

Thoughts bounce around my head like a pinball machine. From my brain, bounce off my closed eyes, to my clenched teeth. Each night it’s the same game. Flip to one side. Hold the pillow. Unclench your teeth.

What does it mean if you dream about your teeth breaking? I swear mine are going to crack under the pressure of my jaw at night. I hope it’s a good omen because one night I’m going to open my mouth and they’re all going to come pouring out like little pinballs.

I search desperately for good omens like a sailor searches the night sky for stars to guide his ship. I feel like a rudderless ship adrift in turbulent seas. Then I remember being afloat on a kayak in the middle of a pond, alone. The almost imperceptible rocking of the boat as I lay in the afternoon sun. It was like I was home. In the womb. Back to the beginning.

The womb. The beginning. For me it was the end. I watched as my son slid from my stomach. I cried because I was once again alone. I treasure those last moments where the babies were my secret. Mine to protect. To nurture. To grow. To not be alone.

Alone. The worst feeling. The silence. The emptiness of the air. Nothing moves. I start to wonder, am I real? Do I exist? Is this just a dream? Am I someone’s good omen?

@lynnjoyce