Delusional

I try to remind myself as I look at the unchanging notification. It always feels like goodbye even though he never says it, always blindsiding me with his absence. Not saying goodbye hurts worse than saying it. That closure is stolen by uncertainty and hope seeps into the vacant space. Hope that I’ll get to yell at him when he comes back (though the joy always steals my anger). Hope that he’ll make it up to me by making me smile genuinely. Hope that I get to have someone who understands me again. I always wonder when that goodbye will come and exhaust that hope and shatter the joy, and leave me fragmented and wondering how I was so wrong again.