Okay.

I tell her I'm okay. I'm doing fine, as if I wasn't on the verge of breaking down every minute, with every flash of painful memory that comes back to me. I send her a virtual smile, hiding my tears, my pain, my sorrow. I tell her I'm not affected when my dad walks out at 10pm to buy a mattress because my parents can't stand the sight of each other after their heated argument. I tell her many things, so many ways of saying I'm okay. She responds only with one question:

"Who are you trying to convince?"

Who indeed? In a conversation where both sides know the truth, what good will lying do? A single "I'm okay"- no, multiple versions of it, will it really change anything?

Will it make me okay?

I decided that no, it won't make me okay. No matter how many times I say it, it won't make anything go away. I know that. She knows that.

So why is it that even now, my only response to "how are you?" is an "I'm okay"? Like a standard hotkey response to a test question I've heard too many times both the question and the answer have been imprinted in my mind.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I'm fine.

I'm okay.

Who am I trying to convince?