Trying So Hard

I'm sorry

I didn't want this

But this is what they command

These instincts that

force me

compel me

push me 

to do the horrible things that I do

It makes me 

sad

shameful

so remorseful

To see people like you

scream

cry

run away

when I approach

But I know why

I have never seen it from your eyes

But in the mirror every night

I see the terror I bring

I try very hard

To refuse the whispers

in my head

in my muscles

in my bones

And when I can't

When I do the horrible things I do

I scream

I cry

I run away

I want nothing more than to be 

peaceful

safe

normal

And to care for and spare people like you

But always the whispers turn to shouting

And I am selfish enough that blessed silence

Is worth the

blood

regret

and self-loathing

Eventually someone will stop me

This is inevitable

I know

I can't wait for that day

When whispers and shouts and screams and crying

Turn to forever silence 

And I can be peaceful on my own