Honesty

You’re gone again, and I’m afraid I broke you finally. I am worried that I’m extrapolating or that one question went from sounding like a scared kid to an accusing girlfriend. I will say that I wasn’t honest when I told you that it was fine that we were just friends. My feelings have this way of becoming cancer, multiplying until it becomes obsessive and toxic and needs to be cut out or treated like more than puppy love. I don’t think I love you. Man, that sounds bad, but everything sounds more articulate in a shower than it does when you’re sitting with the feelings hanging off of your shoulders like chain mail weighing down every thought with some level of uncertainty.

I’d be lying if I shrugged off a potential situation of you being gone for months again by saying “I don’t care if you go” because I do. I really do. Mainly because we are friends (at least I hope we still are), and the uncertainty is unbearable. Any potential situation that could happen has happened at least three times in my head, and I cannot articulate that with my words. I can’t exactly say without the weirdness looming over me either making me feel ashamed and shut up or loading so many words onto my feelings that you can’t find the actual message.

So, I want to try to say this without any fancy words and crazy language. Why’d you leave? Did I do something wrong? Are you coming back? I am sorry if I upset you. I can guarantee I didn’t mean to be awful. I promise you this won’t happen again. I hope I didn’t break you.