Anger Issues

Ever since I turned 11 I found it hard not be angry

Some might blame it on bullying

Others say it's hormonal

Some might even say it's a long term side effect of the anethesia I was put under

Honestly I don't know, the only thing I've noticed is how it seems to follow me everywhere

I can't even look straight sometimes

All I see is another oppressor, another bully, even if I'm wrong

I hate you

Rage has enveloped me, hijacked me

Like some kind of fever which will never cool down

I know the comparison between fire and anger is hundreds of years old

But that's what it honestly feels like

Some uncontrollable inferno, of pain, hate, and suffering

Rage in a way is like some proactive depression

You get it for the same reasons, you feel it the same way

But anger wants to do something about it

To fight back

Even when you are only fighting against yourself

Only to wind up in the principals office again

That bloody bastard

Wouldn't you like to see me cry

Over some bully who'll never get in trouble

Over some circumstance you have brought on me yourself

I hate you

My mind says it's wrong to hate

That I can dislike but I shouldn't hate

Hate, it's the same as love

Just as pandering and pointles

Pointless, just like every fight I got in, in middle school

The vice principal was mostly right this time

"That pencil stab made him bleed

He had to see the nurse"

I sometimes wish the pencil did more than just make him bleed

But I can't wish that

I hate it

I hate myself

I hate myself for being angry

When it is for the mundane things

Like chores and homework

Or my cat begging me for attention

I can't be angry in real life

But I can be angry here

This is how I struggle

On paper

On my computer screen

My rage will always be with me

Whether I want it to be or not

But at least I have an outlet

Thank you