Callus

My love is empty

Or so I’ve been told

I have heard every cry and I feel the weight of every tear that’s shed due to my being

Maybe I like the pain, because in a sense, I believe I deserve it

Or do I deserve pain simply because I’m strong enough to bear it?

Im clever at saying the right words at the right time

And batting my lashes while throwing a smirk.

But if my pain could speak, I know what it’d say.

i dance between being over emotional and emotionless

And yet I crave connection.

I wish to love and to be loved

But it hurts so bad.

Heart break waltzes in my wake

And I yearn for the day I can wash the scars from my soul.

So I say it now, as repentance for my sins

I am addicted to the wrong things

And if I continue to chase what makes me feel alive, I will die alone

I’m afraid that if I wait long enough, I’ll realize that I made the wrong choice.

So that’s why I’m scared to hold your hand and let myself relax in your arms.

Because I figure one of us is going to come to that conclusion,

and although I carry it well, it doesn’t mean the pain isn’t heavy.

I regret the anguish I’ve caused and wonder

What do I do when I no longer find life beautiful?

When the chase ends and I’m left

A l o n e

When my bones ache for a gentle caress

but I cant remember how it felt.

Do I trust now and be wrong

or never experience the karma that cascades in my footsteps?

I’m sorry for being this hard to love.