I’m what’s wrong

I'm too damn dependent. If I wanna do something, no matter how badly I wish to do it, or how passionately I want to, I need approval. I need someone to tell me it's ok to do. I need someone to provide steps on how to do it. I need someone to tell me they'll be there with me, or will do it with me.

Also, I'm very backwards. I'm strong, yet very weak and cowardly. I'm smart, but very naive and a bit dumb. I'm closed off, but too trusting. I'm set in my beliefs, but openminded. I care about almost nothing, yet I also care about way too damn much. I'm cold and numb, yet can be sensitive and easily brought to tears. I'm afraid of so much, yet I want to do and try everything no matter how scary. I am very depressed and I hate myself, yet I have an extremely strong will to live.

Basically, it's like a giant storm is going on inside me and it's ripping me apart into so many conflicting feelings and I just need someone to stay by my side and tell me it'll be ok and that they're always there to help. But no one wants to do that and I completely understand why. I wouldn't want to have someone who always depends on me either. So it's a bit hard to push myself to keep going and to try, when I want nothing more than to just give up and not exist anymore. I wish there was an easy way to do things, but there's not. And wishes don't do anything. Actions do. And I hate that I can't bring myself to act.