Thoughts.

The thoughts start to swirl. I look to my left and I turn to my right but I can’t move. I am stuck in my own mind again, hearing the same words over and over. Oh the self hatred. Oh the constant questions. “Will I get better? When will I get better? Will I ever get better? When will this be over?”

I am in another mood again.

I hate my inability to change myself quickly. I hate it because it prevents me from making progress. Why can’t I snap my fingers and lose 100 pounds? Why can’t I just drink a potion that will give me self-esteem? Why do I need to take medicine to make me not want to throw a toaster in my next bath?

I get stuck in my thoughts. I am losing Hope. If I ever have a daughter (as if I am worthy of reproducing anyway even as my child birthing years die with every New Year’s Eve) I will name her Hope because then I can always say “I have Hope!” and never lose her or the feeling. But alas, I am a waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of a person.

“It’s not good to hate yourself,” everyone tells me. I know this. I tell the kids to love themselves. I am a hypocrite. I need to change this...but my personal development changes as fast as a snail.