Why?

I hate my inability to just give up.

As I have started in a few of my previous posts, the most domineering aspect of my personality is my determination. At school, it's what I'm [in]famous for. Everyone knows that if I get fired up about something, there is no stopping me. I am known for my ability to deliver passionate inspirational speeches to get other people motivated.

But what people don't know is how I sometimes just lie on my bedroom floor, trying desperately not to cry, because I want to give up, but I can't.

I want to give up. I do. I really do.

But I just can't find it in me to.

It's like my body won't let me.

It's for the best, though.

I mean, even if I was able to give up, I probably wouldn't anyway because of all the people depending on me.

Because of my determination, I am the person that everyone in my life turns to for confidence and motivation. They always know that if they are feeling down, I'm there to pick them up.

And I love doing that! I love being able to help other people!

But at the same time, I feel scared to tell someone about my wanting to give up but being unable to (it's not really depression, it's more like... well, it's not depression) because I'm worried about how people will react. I don't want to let them down.

I know I should tell them. They would want me to.

But the same thing that is keeping me from giving up is keeping me from telling them.

Call it pride, call it cowardice, call it whatever the hell you want.

I don't like it, and I don't want it anymore.