Panic

i haven’t felt the need to escape my situation to cry in my car in a long time

i guess today is different

my anxiety is back and it’s hitting me harder than it has in a while, although it never really went away

all of the feelings that i push away are emerging again, settling just beneath the surface

i can put on a good show, no one would ever know that i’m not okay unless i wanted them to

fake smiles really do go a long way

reality reminds me that i’m broken,

my fears make me panic

my insides feel as though they are shaking,

they tremble so hard i can feel it in greatest depths of my core

times like this make me resent human interaction

i wish i could run away

i feel as though i am doing something wrong,

i am bothering you

i am scared that you’re upset with me,

that you are looking for a way to get rid of me

i’m scared that you feel stuck with me,

i feel like an obligation

i would do anything for you,

but i feel that i am overbearing

i don’t want to suffocate you and i’m scared that i can’t help it

i succumb to the fear, the self loathing,

i am the hardest on myself

i can barely make sense of my emotions

my world is spinning too fast now,

i’m dizzy

i’m not okay, i haven’t been for nearly half a decade

it’s been four years

i’ve let you control the way that i feel about myself for four years

you’ve ruined me

i just want to be free