genetics

The morning dew was still fresh

The sun just peaking over

when I awoke to my mother’s screams

She had to take him

To the hospital

He didn’t feel well.

I don’t remember the tears

That probably streamed down my face

As I opened the door for the men

Carrying large stretchers

And grim faces

I remember the wait with my sister

silence percolating in the air

taunting us with its meaning.

She cried.

I thought about my test later in the day

I had been so worried about it last night

I remember shutting the door on my sister

As they carried him out

His face pale and sweaty

Plastic looking. Waxy. A ghost.

I shut the door.

She didn’t deserve to see this.

But then again why did I?

My mother tried to look calm.

She tried so hard. I pretend it works.

It doesn’t.

I choke the tears down in my throat

My face a mask, I open the door to my sister

I tell her it’s fine. I lie.

He’ll be fine I murmur. I lie.

A friend takes us to school

We stay silent the whole way there

Not talking about it might make it better. It doesn’t.

So I think about my test.

I sing to myself. I tell myself stories.

But all I can think about is his face

The absence of the usual glint in his eyes

When he corrects my writing

Or tells me stories

Or watches those nature programs

Or reads me more news about Brexit

Or yells at me again about how classical music is the only good music

(he’s wrong)

Or talks about my tennis match.

So I take a test.

and I tell myself I don’t breakdown for them.

But I don’t process. I don’t feel

My body feels tight. Like glass.

Like one little rock

Could shatter me into tiny shards

and they talk about genetics

that’s what they say it was

genetics.

so who knows

maybe one day I’ll wake up with a start,

clutching my arm, feeling those symptoms of nausea course

through my clotted veins

maybe I’ll be brought out

on that ghostly throne

my eyes lulled back, my face, white as the page I write on

genetics.

so simple, so scientific, tied up in a neat little bow

But I smile.

And tell myself that everything is fine.

Maybe in another world...