my love/hate ode to writing
i want to write.
i want to bleed.
i want to express.
but its as if a a concrete wall is blocking me and i try to scour it and grip but nothing is fitting and I'm frustrated at my efforts to climb this wall rather than to scribble my thoughts and my head and my words.
I have to scribble my thoughts than write them out in complete sentences then make sense of them somehow trying to explain what I mean. and the first words I scribbled out so emotionally end up being deleted into more 'sensible' words.
how am i ever to make sense of something i don't know how to make sense of myself?
do I need more confidence?
do I need more force? to push or break or crumble parts of that wall?
it's like i'm trying to push a boulder in my mind and i'm not making any progress
how do writers do it? how do artists to it?
i want it so bad it paralyzes me
i want to let go so bad it restricts me
and the thing i get out of this
is this
i finally chose to write
even though it wasn't necessarily what i wanted to write
or what i chose to write
what i 'planned' to write
it was something i bled on the paper
soemthing i couldn't decide. not really.
but i chose to write anyway.