Thanatophobia

It’s not that I’m scared of dying,

Or of my life blinking out,

disappearing in a second.

I’m not.

I’m scared of surviving.

I’m scared of being the one that has to pick up the broken pieces

Salvage what’s left of the wreckage

When a loved one dies.

Having to be the one to be strong

When my life inevitably falls apart.

Knowing I’ll be

Crying

Myself

To sleep

After another person leaves me.

But this time,

They’re gone forever.

I don’t want to contend

With the desolation in a loved one’s wake

With the emptiness

They leave.

It scares me

To imagine being left behind

Watching them slowly slip away

As I stand alone

Knowing

They’re leaving me

Knowing

They’re gone.

So

Dying isn’t the hard part

It’s surviving

Standing in the ashes

They leave behind

Choking

On the emptiness

But you can’t do a thing.