Why

Dear absentee.

Why?

That one haunting word. Why. Ultimatley all my questions come down to that one specific word. Why do you not love me?

Was i too messy as a child?

i'm sorry, i'll try harder

Did i steal your sleep?

i'm sorry, i'll be better

Was i too loud for you?

i'm sorry

I find my mind running amock, trying fruitlessly to provide my fractured brain with a reason as to why you became an alcoholic. All these questions but no answers. I know i will never get one from you as you have a "new" family. All i can do is come to terms with the fact that you dont love me.

My birthday came and went........ with me sitting on the stairs............ waiting for a card i knew would never come. How pathetic am i. When i finally decided to move, it was only because i deluded myself into thinking that maybe you sent me a private message instead. Do you realise how my heart sored as i raced to boot up my laptop, how i struggled with actually opening facebook with my shakey hands, how my face hurt with a smile that only got bigger

How it all came crashing down.

No message from you greeted me. None. Thats ok though. Whats one more ignored year to the seven before.

You see i'm lucky.

i do have family that want me. i have my mother, a marvellous woman who's heart is bigger than this world.

My grandparents who spoil me whith the love and attention that you could..... no, that you would never give.

So tell me this father.......

Did you ever even want me?

/////Sorry for any spelling mistakes/////