Emptiness

"I am hiding from some beast

But the beast was always here

Watching without eyes

Because the beast is just my fear

That I am just nothing

Now it's just what I've become "

- The Bravery, "Believe"

I've never had any ambitions in life. Ever. Most people have some type of dream, or passion, or thing that drives them forward. I don't. I keep moving forward because that happens to be the direction I'm facing.

I've had teachers praise me and tell me I'm such a good student. Didn't matter though - I never had any career ambitions. I've had customers compliment me on working so hard and offering to let my manager know. I don't bother passing their messages along - I just keep working.

Then there's the resentment I've faced, because despite not having any drive I've got enough stubborn work ethic and quick learning skills to tackle most challenges. This does not earn me any love with people who do want something, and struggle to earn it. When someone asked me once what I wanted to be when I grew up I just shrugged, and responded with "Cartoon writer?" because that was honestly the only fun thing I could think of at the time. They were not amused. "You're so smart - you could be a doctor. Or a lawyer. That's just a waste!"

Yes, it is. I've often wondered how my life might differ if I had dedicated my mule-like mentality towards something that at least made a difference, or helped people in some way. Definitely not any of they myriad sales/customer service jobs I've wasted my life on so far. But too late to start over now. I couldn't figure out where I wanted to go, so I've just drifted along.

My fear? That when I reach the end of my river all that wasted potential will finally catch up to me. I'll look back on a life squandered in apathy and suddenly realize what I wish I had done. I try everything I can - I'll do challenges, push myself to test new things. But in the end there's still no driving force behind the wheel. Just a hollow shell, shuffling along, working hard because it doesn't know how else to work.

But at least I've kept good company and a roof over my head. Thanks to that, I manage to sleep at night anyway.

Maybe next life, I'll figure it out.