Second thoughts

It's weird

Change

Part of me really grieves over change

I've lamented talking about it because it something I had to do a lot of this year...

The beginning of 8th grade

I've made it but only partly

The other half is waiting for me at the end

But it's a difficult half

And it's making fun of me right now

But we do that, so I guess that's alright

I quickly step through the first months, I am already taken by how easy I have had it

But then again I stitched up my heart at the end of summer, so I keep my emotions fairly hidden, unless I feel the need to talk about them which never happens

It's hard being on the outside, I have realized that in many ways I have changed my approach to talking to people after feedback

I never changed the way I dressed but this year was the first year I was okay showing my arms in public

I used to never think of wearing short sleeve shirts

Now I do

I swim through the muddy water of the next months

Knowing it was a good thing not to let my gut drop at certain social stuff like I did last year, because I wouldn't have my gut anymore

I stayed quiet when I felt it necessary, I let people swim over me

And that's why I was last to get to shore

The last months I crawled through

Knowing my stitches had become worn, and I didn't want them to tear

So I came up with lists of all the changes I had made over the past months, thinking that it had been a successful year

And then one of my stitches ripped

Realizing that I could still make it to the finish line I tried

But the weight started to pull me in

But I wouldn't just stop at nothing anymore

Like I used to

And still do, but not today

I would cry and scream

And try every way to dig myself out of the hole I had created

With my stitches lose my tears started to fill the bottom of the hole

And slowly they started to lift me up to the top of the hole

So I didn't need my stitches

I started to carefully walk to the end

I was soaked but I was drying

Slowly but surely I knew I would get there

If my emotions can help me so can I

Through painful hardships and constant fear of messing up and being alone, I some how saved myself from falling through

The cracks I had made myself, without even knowing it

So I guess I changed, wasn't that my goal?

Or was it other people's

Am I not fit to stand my ground in front of them?

Most of me is myself

But sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't really have done what I did

In any scenario

Sometimes I wonder if the change that I really wanted

Wasn't coming from me