I saw you again in my dreams.

i. we are walking outside and

suddenly you put your arms around me,

as if to suffocate me lightly,

laughing off-key and wearing

khaki shorts. I know I should want this,

for all this time it’s what I’ve wanted,

but the sun is too bright (is that music playing?)

this isn’t you

and I wake up in a cold sweat

ii. the night before I leave for my leadership camp

I see myself stepping downstairs only to find you

wearing a leather jacket and a v-neck,

having a casual conversation with my parents.

I tell you I have to leave and you

envelop me in a lukewarm hug (is that cologne?)

this isn’t you either

I wake, indifferent

iii. I tell you I love you one night, as we are

sitting in class, and you scream at me: all types of

hurtful things, things I’m sure you’d never say,

this cannot be you.

(but how did my subconscious make it seem so real?)

you exit, carrying stormclouds behind you

I wake to the pattering of rain

iv. we are alone in my room and everything is so hazy,

I've lost my glasses and I can’t think straight, your face

drifts in and out of my vision. I accidentally trip you

and cannot stop apologizing, I join you on the floor,

and for the first time ever I touch your bruised face, gently.

it comes back into focus,

this is really you.

you lean forward and barely brush your lips to mine,

and suddenly my eyes fill with tears, it still aches.

(how do I express to you that this is what I want?)

I whisper one last sorry and immediately you answer,

in your voice and no one else’s, it’s okay.

I wake up still feeling your kiss,

half-expecting to see you laying next to me,

forever awaiting your return.