Kisses and Chasms

“Kiss me,” she says.

She dares.

My blood stops moving.

My eyes lose focus and cross.

Blink.

I see the chasm

Clear and gaping

Unhidden by the falling snow

We have ignored it for months

Creeping slowly away from each other

Neither one of us wanting

To be near

The other

When its existence was finally mentioned

“I don’t

want to”

words I cannot say

“Do you

love

me?”

words she should not say

I have fallen in

the chasm

She makes no move to help me

She does not move closer

Does not wrap her arms around my chest

Pull my body next to hers

My lips against hers

She does not push me into the snow

Pull my body onto hers

Laughingly press her mouth against mine

Make the choice for me

“I love you so much—”

“—but not in the way you want me to”

I have no other words to explain

When we breathe the same air

My stomach twists

Bile rises in my throat

When she touches me

I no longer feel alive

My fingertips fall away

My chest stops moving

I have no tongue

To voice the words

“stop”

“no”

“please

don’t”

I should want this

This should make me happy

This will make her happy

This is what you do

When you

love someone

I do not want to touch her

I do not want to kiss her

I want to hug her

Feel her heart beat into mine

Let our bodies remind each other

There is

Something alive

And real

Outside of the voices

In our heads

I want to braid her hair

In our half dark house

On mornings that are

Too soft

For speaking

I want to hold her hand

Guide her through crowds and across intersections

Be pulled along by her optimism and joy

Speak in pressure and pulses and prayers

I want to cradle her sleeping head

Twirl her on street corners and around light posts

Feel the crinkles of laughter in her face

And the music in her words

Smell her sweetness in the warmth of her skin

But to her

This

is

not

love

“I’ve never been

like

other

people”

my words do not make sense to her

my words hardly make sense to me

“I didn’t tell you earlier, because I thought you would like me less. You would look at me differently. You wouldn’t want to be my friend.”

Silence

No heartbeat

Silence

No breath

Finally

she speaks

“I never wanted to be friends with you.”

But that’s all I ever wanted from you.

I wanted to be your friend. To love you wholly, completely, platonically. To give you the best love I have, the only love I know how to give.

words I do not say

I do not know how to make her understand.

I do not want to try and use all the words I have and

Still have her not understand

Still have her leave

The voice in my head and I stand alone in a chasm

She looks down

Searching

Unable to find my eyes

And only seeing emptiness

She turns and walks away