Letter to Momma (Emotional Ramble)

I think about you constantly. Every day.

Some days, I wish I had the courage to cover my body in permanent art of the things I knew you loved; that I love, too.

I honestly cannot sing our song completely through without breaking down. Yet, I still sing to myself the same lines over and over.

“Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

There are days when I need you so much, but all that is left of you is in my head. Minus the one picture of us on the refrigerator. God, I miss you so much and writing this is beyond difficult. Because when it comes to you, I’m such a wreck.

There are so many things I wish I could ask you. So many things I wish I could tell you. It’s so hard to have to carry on a conversation with only the thought of you in my head.

And some days, I forget your face. It eats me alive. But your voice will never leave me. At least, I hope it will forever be stained in my mind.

Friday, I was asked what my plans for Mothers’ Day were.

“I’ll get her some flowers.” And the reply was “That will be so nice!”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her the hard truth. That I voyage to your headstone with a bundle of fresh purple flowers.

Fresh flowers because there is a beauty in knowing that they will wither away and become one with the dirt of the cemetery. I know you would think the cloth flowers would be tacky anyways. In purple because that was your favorite color.

I’m sorry that I can only afford to bring you flowers four times a year. It’s hard to see your name, cold and hard in the marble in front of me. Even harder to see the rest of our family buried there. Family that I never got to meet.

I’m sorry that I never asked what your favorite type of flower is. And now that you’re gone, I’ll never get to know. I believe it was roses, but I can’t be certain.

Wow I’m sorry that I really veered off track. This was supposed to be a happy letter to you, but I guess I got emotional. Anyways,

Happy Mothers’ Day to you Momma. I’ll see you again on Memorial Day.