Derealization

I live my life in a cloud. I can see and hear and feel everything around me, but as if from distance. It’s like I am standing on a hill looking through a thin fog. I watch myself experience everything. I smile and laugh, and frown, and cry, and hurt, and get mad. But none of it feels real. Like it is all just a weird dream. I see everything around me. But I also don’t. It’s as if there is a screen door between me and the rest of the world, but there is no way for me to open it and get to the other side. At parties or hanging out with my friend, it’s as if nothing I see is truly there. I hug my loved ones and can’t feel their touch properly. I know it’s there. I know they’re there. And I know I am there. But I don’t really feel it. The only times I really feel human are when it seems as if my whole world is crashing down on me. I sit and can’t help but sob uncontrollably, losing any sense of hope and life. Then I can feel. But then I don’t want to. Then I just want to go back. Then I want to continue living in my cloud. Because if all I feel is pain, I don’t think I want to feel at all.