Betrayal

I don’t even know where to begin

The whole story is so fucked up,

Yet I remain a part of it.

Why can’t I just walk away?

Because I love him.

We’re both playing games,

Burning and crashing

But he is so easy to give up

and I am a runner just like my daddy.

Love shouldn’t hurt this much should it?

When is it okay to walk away?

How do I know his love is true?

How can I believe a word he says

When it was so easy for him

To fuck another girl

The day after we broke up.

I thought I meant more than that to him.

I thought the love we shared was real.

He had the audacity to hit me up

Like he didn’t just fuck some bitch

The night before and took her out

On a picnic that I waited for

Before I lost hope.

I pretended like I didn’t see that hickey.

I kissed him anway.

I hugged him anyway.

I lost all my friends,

Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake.

I never should of allowed him to come back into my life.

I thought he was different.

When he broke up with me the first time,

I was heartbroken;

My first love and my first heartbreak.

Him.

I didn’t hook up with anyone else

Because I still loved him and I had hope.

I found out he called up as many girls as he could

He called them beautiful, texted them goodnight,

Took them out on dates.

How do I know if I’m being played?

Every voice in my head tells me to run,

To pack my shit and leave,

But my feet remain in place.

I cannot stand the thought of him with anyone else.

He claims he needs me to sleep,

But I can hear him snoring as I fall apart

Lost and lonely.

I cut again. Not too deep, but enough to feel

Something else then sorrow even if it is pain.

I was loyal from the beginning,

I told every guy I was done searching,

But he never was.

My love was once upon a time so innocent and pure

Now I am deranged, crazy, and psychotic.

Why do I stay?

Why do we keep coming back to each other?

Is this even love?

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t sleep, I refuse to eat, and my thoughts won’t stop racing.

My thigh is stinging from the incision,

But it is the only thing keeping me sane.

I’m just so afraid to lose him that it drives me mad.

I found out he started watching porn again

When he promised me he wouldn’t.

Am I not good enough?

Now the thought of his naked body against mine

Is revolting and I feel so ashamed of myself.

What do those girls have that I lack?

I don’t even want him looking at me,

But I still crave the touch of his skin and lips.

I don’t know what to do.

I want to trust him, but I feel so betrayed

Like I could walk away and I would be

Just another face in the crowd

Just another body in his bed.

I want to believe in him, in us.

I really do love him

I have dreamed of our future together,

But what if he never changes?

Maybe my problem is

I love too much and I forgive too easily.