chaos

There are few times in a day in which I feel truly calm.

Right now, as I am writing this, is one of them.

My mind is always buzzing with endless thought-trains,

taking me through a spiral of, at first glance, unrelated subjects.

I've been trying to break into a more positive thought cycle,

pushing away self-depricating thoughts and feelings of doubt.

For the most part, it's worked immensely.

I am able to recognize it when it happens and practice

self affirmations to make it appear less.

However, I've always had general anxiety.

And, I'm by nature a pretty neurotic person.

By acknowledging these things and working towards growth,

I've seen change.

But something odd just occurred to me.

As I sat here, happy, I felt the need to make myself unhappy again.

I wanted to feel insecure, for whatever reason.

I recognized that and immediately came here to write.

Why did I feel that way? I'm still happy now, writing this out, and I'm glad I didn't go look at pictures of model girls to put myself down.

I always want to know

Why?

Always, always,

Why?

Every problem, small and large scale, must have a solution, right?

My secret wish is to know all the answers.

My mind is abuzz with questions, analyzations, of the world around me.

I try not to get too caught up in the negatives, because our world is full of them,

and there are millions of positives weighing everything out.

So why do I want to feel sad?

Even when I make daily progress and am in a very stable and positive state?

Maybe it's wired into me, maybe it's how I was raised, the maybes are infinite.

And that's why I am always wanting to discover- about myself and about others.

Sometimes I really think I should study psychiatry, because it would help me understand everything more... though my heart lies in art history and design.

This has been a look into how my mind works- scattered, yet cohesive, in a way.